This morning, someone told me that it seemed easy for me to settle into (figuratively speaking) a "comfort zone".... whether or not the environment was pure crap and I was absolutely, totally and completely unhappy.... I'd be able to stomach it and somehow just.... settle.

That sucks.

Got me thinking....because no matter how much my heart screams to leave this godforsaken place, I'm still afraid.

What of, you ask?

Afraid I'd disappoint a manager I really like, whom I've promised to "hold the fort" whilst she was off.

Afraid of what people might think of me. People I don't even like, might I add.

Afraid I might be worse off. Not thinking I could perhaps have better days.

Afraid of being alone in a far off place.

Afraid of being a burden.

Living in a state of perpetual fear is not only draining....it's totally exhausting. Perhaps I don't believe I deserve happiness....even in the smallest measure.

Perhaps the cries of my heart have gotten so buried in the fears that I can't even hear it anymore....there is only that deep empty ache.

A friend of mine recently told me of her increment. I think she absolutely deserved it, knowing her. After I put down the phone I realised.... what has happened to my plans? That sparkling future I once planned down to the last detail?

Sure, things don't always go as planned but by now I should be doing much better than I am. I can do it, I know I can. But for some reason, I'm just not motivated.

So I end up in a rut....in a dead end....in the same position I was in two years ago. It's as though I never stepped out onto that road I'd laid out before me....as though it winks at a distance, always there but always unattainable because I was afraid to take the jump.

I've had time to think, however short or long. And I've decided. Today I will hand my CV over to a place that can offer ME what I deserve. Today I will scour the Internet for other potential MA programmes. I will not be afraid of what they think. Someone out there might like what I do. Today I will leave behind the ghostly whispers of people I don't even like and not give a damn.

No more excuses. I must believe I deserve more....at the very least, to be happy. And who knows....maybe I might be....

Thank you, Susan Boyle.... everytime I watch this, I will remind myself that even if I am 47 and the world laughs at me, if I believe and if I know I can....I will make it.

All I need to do is believe...and grab the chance.

I can't embed it here so I'll leave the link....please do click it!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY

Thank you SG.... :)

Standing at the edge of the abyss that sits in the exact centre of me, I sway....shocked as a wave of deep anger and hatred bursts from the depths of that bottomless pit.
I feel it as it consumes me...the bright flames burning as they twine around me like a snake. The light reaches the very edges of my mind, showing me the demons hiding in the shadows as they crawl closer; attracted to the scent of burning flesh.

For an instant, I open my arms, ready to welcome them...ready to embrace the deep pain and cruel revelations they bring. Hoping that for once I would lose myself in the darkness and turn my pain into the wails and cries of others. Yet, before they touch me, a door in that endless corridor flies open, its black depths welcoming...promising a respite.

I take it.

With all the force of my mind, I banish the flames deep into that door. I brick up the door as frantically as I can, even as other bricked up doors begin to rattle. Soon, the air is filled with a teeth-rattling chaos of sounds. Shoving the final brick into place, the sounds begin to subside. Slumping to the floor, I wait as the sounds slowly disappear, muffled once again by the layers of brick and mortar...as the demons crawl back into the shadows; waiting for another chance.

And there is only silence left...silence and an unbearable loneliness.

Sitting there in the dark, I stare once again at the black depths of a hole that seems to have always been there. And I wait...because there is nothing left for me.

Got an email from Photobucket today that reminded me I needed to Login after God only knows how many years.

I'd totally forgotten I even had a Photobucket account...so I decided to go and see what I put in it.
I found a lot of old Uni pictures and pictures of happy times which I'd totally forgotten. I guess as we grow older either we learn more about the people around us which hurt us or we learn more about ourselves which are bitter to swallow. Inevitably, we accept the hurt and the reality....and move on.

I should probably be an expert in slamming doors. But recently the doorknobs on doors I'd thought were bricked up and forgotten have begun to rattle and I am unable to ignore their incessant noise. I turn my back but they just keep rattling and the noise echoes in the vaults of my slowly emptying mind.

Maybe it really isn't a good idea to supress memories.

I thought that by putting away what hurt, I would leave it all behind. Besides, its not as though there will be any resolutions or anything that would close my already open eyes. Reality hurts...and it sucks...and quite frankly I don't see any point in facing what is already not relevant.

I'll add an extra layer of brick, mortar and plaster over those doors and ignore the cracks in the walls the violent rattling has created. Perhaps one day, they will stop and fade away.

Credits: http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

I probably have always known what a shallow hypocritical person you were but I didn't want to see it.

I'm glad that when I finally did everything became clear.
For a while I beat myself up about being such an idiot...about being so blind...about caring so much when you clearly didn't...

Now I know I was the lucky person.
The better person.

Because even now you still are that same shallow hypocritical person you are.
And I am so much better off without you.
Perhaps one day I'll forgive you...and pass it off as a character flaw and immaturity.
But right now, it's all I can do to be civil in your presence.

I hope one day you'll learn some humility...some gratitude and some brains.
I hope I'll learn forgiveness.

I'm sorry but the more I see of you the more incensed I get.
And bitter...
And sad........

So I shall do my best to avoid you. Until one day when I am big enough to forgive and forget...until I am big enough to let go.

Until I know you have no hold on me and I am a whole person again.

Till then, goodbye.

Credits: http://www.postsecret.blogspot.com

Clip is from "Yes Man" starring Jim Carrey...


::Jumper::
Artiste: Third Eye Blind

I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend
You could cut ties with all the lies that youve been living in
And if you do not want to see me again
I would understand
I would understand

The angry boy a bit too insane
Icing over a secret pain
You know you dont belong
You're the first to fight
Youre way too loud
Youre the flash of light on a burial shroud
I know something's wrong

Well everyone I know has got a reason
To say put the past away

I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend
You could cut ties with all the lies that youve been living in
And if you do not want to see me again
I would understand
I would understand

Well he's on the table and he's gone to code
And I do not think anyone knows
What they're doing here
And your friends have left you
You've been dismissed
I never thought it would come to this
And I, I want you to know

Everyone's got to face down the demons
Maybe today
You could put the past away

I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend
You could cut ties with all the lies that youve been living in
And if you do not want to see me again
I would understand
I would understand
I would understand
I would understand
I would understand
I would understand

Understand
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

Can you put the past away
I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend
I would understand
I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend
I would understand
I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend
And I would understand

I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend
I would understand
I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend
I would understand

Credits: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/t/third+eye+blind/jumper_20136738.html

"Sometimes I feel like there's a hole inside of me, an emptiness that at times seems to burn.

I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean. The moon tonight, there's a circle around it. Sign of trouble not far behind.

I have this dream of being whole. Of not going to sleep each night, wanting. But still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing... I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for.

I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen. I don't know. Maybe I had my happiness. I don't want to believe it but, there is no man, Gilly. Only that moon."
- Sally Owens, Practical Magic (1998)

A few days in one post...oh well, its not as though my life is all that interesting!

Caught The Day The Earth Stood Still with LY and her bf...
It wasn't all that bad but seriously, with the slew of movies all containing not-so-obvious (and some VERY obvious) environmental overtones, this one falls a little short of the others.

That's not to say I didn't like it...I did. But the characters seemed woefully underdeveloped and the filmmakers left so many plot holes, it made DBKL look tame!

*SPOILERS AHEAD*
(you can skip this if you haven't watched it)

I seriously felt ultra annoyed by that whiny little brat who seriously should have been a charming wounded child. All I got was brat brat BRAT~!
And how does this brat warm up to the alien?

He was saved from slipping into some storm drain.
Hello? The change in view was way too abrupt!!

-----------------------------------------------------------

Also, it was ridiculously easy for the lady to leave a supposedly well-guarded military compound just because of a disruption! And won't they go looking for her?

Apparently not.

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Also, after all that, the alien just suddenly changes his views (again too abruptly and for extremely mundane reasons) and quite easily stops...well...the Earth from being destroyed.

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Ah well....it wasn't all bad. The best part of the movie were the trailers at the beginning~!
Lolz~!!

*SPOILERS END*

Yesterday, went on a shopping trip...ok I was the consultant so I didn't buy anything...
But I took Joa out shopping for her prom dress and the lucky b**** had four potentials!! That's more options in dresses that I have for a YEAR...or maybe two.

So anyways, she got herself a gorgeous dress and liquid foundation.
It was done much faster than I thought since she had to rush to feed a very cute puppy~!

Anyways, as we were walking to Sasa for her foundation, the North Court was SNOWING~!! Ookie...tiny little snow(soap?)flakes but the effect was gorgeous~!! People must have thought so too because the whole court was PACKED with eager people it was hard to breathe~!

Left and went home to a lovely Vit Mee-ABC-Fried Jap Eggs dinner by LY. The whole mishmash was amazing babe~! *hugz*

Ok, moving on....(I noticed I'm back to blogging disjointedly...oh well that's the natural progression of my thoughts these days so...I guess that girl was right. I do have a problem articulating my thoughts. Which is lucky for a few people since if I were able to say what I want to say, I'd slash and rip their self-confidence and general annoying attitude to shreds...and then some! But I digress...)

This weekend seems to have flown by...I think I've actually created a deeper attachment to my Sims than I have for humans! Gah~!

Time to come back to the real world...and certain people I'd love to kill but just won't because I can't.

Duncha just looooooooovvveeee reality? Tchah~!

I guess I must really be more sensitive than I thought...

That being said,"I wish this Christmas that I could spend it in a cold snowy place far away from certain detestable human beings!"

"Elinor was to be the comforter of others in her own distresses, no less than in theirs; and all the comfort that could be given by assurances of her own composure of mind, and a very earnest vindication of Edward from every charge but of imprudence, was readily offered." - Sense & Sensibility, Jane Austen

Credits: http://www.postsecret.blogspot.com

*hums*

::~::Hot N Cold::~::
Artiste: Katy Perry

You change your mind
Like a girl changes clothes
Yeah, you PMS like a bitch
I would know

And you always think
Always speak cryptically
I should know
That you're no good for me

Chorus:
'Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up

You, you don't really wanna stay, no
You, but you don't really wanna go, oh

'Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down

We used to be just like twins, so in sync
The same energy now's a dead battery
Used to laugh 'bout nothing
Now you're plain boring
I should know
That you're not gonna change

Chorus:
'Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up

You, you don't really wanna stay, no
You, but you don't really wanna go, oh

You're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down

Someone call the doctor
Got a case of a love bipolar
Stuck on a rollercoaster
Can't get off this ride

You change your mind
Like a girl changes clothes

Chorus (x2)

You, you don't really wanna stay, no
You, but you don't really wanna go, oh

Chorus

Credits: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/k/katy_perry/hot_n_cold.html

Bwahahahahaa~!!!

"What goes around, comes around
What goes up must come down" - Alicia Keys

Duncha just LOOOOVVEEE these songs? *shimmy shimmy*

"No one ever speaks about the monsters...

I used to have demons
In my room at night
Desire despair desire
So many monsters..." - Annie Lennox

I still do...

Randomly, I was watching Dracula (1992) and I quite like the story although Winona Ryder annoys me to my back teeth! It gives a more...human side to Dracula and portrays him as Vlad the Impaler instead of the other campy versions of Dracula (I love you Richard Roxburgh but you really DID vamp up Count Dracula a lil too much).

Long story short, Vlad answered the call of God to go fight the Turks (or was it Moors?) at Constantinople and so he did but because he was winning some enemy arse decided to send a note via arrow mail back to his bride Elisabeta (did she even exist?) telling her he was dead. So after his victory, he rides back to find that she has thrown herself off their hilly castle and died. Anyways, he goes crazy with grief and since the really unsympathetic priest tells him she is damned for suicide, he decides to challenge God and well...you know the rest.

Forward to the future, Mina Murray pretty much is Elisabeta reborn and she's bethrothed to Jonathan Harker (Keanu)...so guess what happens? LOLZ~!
Surprising cast though...I mean, Anthony Hopkins as Van Helsing?? Cary Elwes as Arthur Holmwood? LOLZ~!

I don't know about you but every time I think of Anthony Hopkins, I think of Hannibal (Hannibal vs Dracula....hmm....) and everytime I think of Cary Elwes....Robin Hood comes to mind!

Pottering back...anyways, this is the theme song which is really souful.

::~::Love Song For A Vampire::
Artiste: Annie Lennox
OST: Dracula (1992)

Come into these arms again
And lay your body down
Th' rhythm of this trembling heart
Is beating like a drum.

It beats for you, it bleeds for you
It knows not how it sounds.
For it is the drum of drums
It is the song of songs.

Once I had the rarest rose that
Ever deigned to bloom.
Cruel winter chilled the balm,
And stole my flower too soon

O loneliness, O hopelessness
To search the ends of time,
For there is in all the world
No greater love than mine.

Love....Still falls the rain.
Be mine forever...

Let me be the only one
To keep you from the cold.
Now the floor of heav'n is laid,
Its stars of brightest glow.

They shine for you.
They shine for you.
They burn for all to see.

Come into these arms again
And set this spirit free.

Credits: http://www.lyrics007.com/Annie%20Lennox%20Lyrics/Love%20Song%20For%20A%20Vampire%20Lyrics.html

"Be silent!
Keep your foul tongue behind your teeth!
I did not pass through fire and death to bandy words with a witless worm!"
- Gandalf, Lord of The Rings: The Two Towers

My sentiments exactly, Gandalf! *hugz*

It's getting heavier and heavier...
The days are getting longer...
The darkness comes more often...
The windows darken and shy away from the light...

What light?

Sparkles and curved lips are hard to come by...
And even when one does, it's counterfeit...
It's just rain...and more rain...
In my mind

I really do miss walking in the rain....*sigh*