Got me thinking....because no matter how much my heart screams to leave this godforsaken place, I'm still afraid.
What of, you ask?
Afraid I'd disappoint a manager I really like, whom I've promised to "hold the fort" whilst she was off.
Afraid of what people might think of me. People I don't even like, might I add.
Afraid I might be worse off. Not thinking I could perhaps have better days.
Afraid of being alone in a far off place.
Afraid of being a burden.
Living in a state of perpetual fear is not only draining....it's totally exhausting. Perhaps I don't believe I deserve happiness....even in the smallest measure.
Perhaps the cries of my heart have gotten so buried in the fears that I can't even hear it anymore....there is only that deep empty ache.
A friend of mine recently told me of her increment. I think she absolutely deserved it, knowing her. After I put down the phone I realised.... what has happened to my plans? That sparkling future I once planned down to the last detail?
Sure, things don't always go as planned but by now I should be doing much better than I am. I can do it, I know I can. But for some reason, I'm just not motivated.
So I end up in a rut....in a dead end....in the same position I was in two years ago. It's as though I never stepped out onto that road I'd laid out before me....as though it winks at a distance, always there but always unattainable because I was afraid to take the jump.
I've had time to think, however short or long. And I've decided. Today I will hand my CV over to a place that can offer ME what I deserve. Today I will scour the Internet for other potential MA programmes. I will not be afraid of what they think. Someone out there might like what I do. Today I will leave behind the ghostly whispers of people I don't even like and not give a damn.
No more excuses. I must believe I deserve more....at the very least, to be happy. And who knows....maybe I might be....