This morning, someone told me that it seemed easy for me to settle into (figuratively speaking) a "comfort zone".... whether or not the environment was pure crap and I was absolutely, totally and completely unhappy.... I'd be able to stomach it and somehow just.... settle.

That sucks.

Got me thinking....because no matter how much my heart screams to leave this godforsaken place, I'm still afraid.

What of, you ask?

Afraid I'd disappoint a manager I really like, whom I've promised to "hold the fort" whilst she was off.

Afraid of what people might think of me. People I don't even like, might I add.

Afraid I might be worse off. Not thinking I could perhaps have better days.

Afraid of being alone in a far off place.

Afraid of being a burden.

Living in a state of perpetual fear is not only draining....it's totally exhausting. Perhaps I don't believe I deserve happiness....even in the smallest measure.

Perhaps the cries of my heart have gotten so buried in the fears that I can't even hear it anymore....there is only that deep empty ache.

A friend of mine recently told me of her increment. I think she absolutely deserved it, knowing her. After I put down the phone I realised.... what has happened to my plans? That sparkling future I once planned down to the last detail?

Sure, things don't always go as planned but by now I should be doing much better than I am. I can do it, I know I can. But for some reason, I'm just not motivated.

So I end up in a rut....in a dead end....in the same position I was in two years ago. It's as though I never stepped out onto that road I'd laid out before me....as though it winks at a distance, always there but always unattainable because I was afraid to take the jump.

I've had time to think, however short or long. And I've decided. Today I will hand my CV over to a place that can offer ME what I deserve. Today I will scour the Internet for other potential MA programmes. I will not be afraid of what they think. Someone out there might like what I do. Today I will leave behind the ghostly whispers of people I don't even like and not give a damn.

No more excuses. I must believe I deserve more....at the very least, to be happy. And who knows....maybe I might be....