This morning, someone told me that it seemed easy for me to settle into (figuratively speaking) a "comfort zone".... whether or not the environment was pure crap and I was absolutely, totally and completely unhappy.... I'd be able to stomach it and somehow just.... settle.

That sucks.

Got me thinking....because no matter how much my heart screams to leave this godforsaken place, I'm still afraid.

What of, you ask?

Afraid I'd disappoint a manager I really like, whom I've promised to "hold the fort" whilst she was off.

Afraid of what people might think of me. People I don't even like, might I add.

Afraid I might be worse off. Not thinking I could perhaps have better days.

Afraid of being alone in a far off place.

Afraid of being a burden.

Living in a state of perpetual fear is not only draining....it's totally exhausting. Perhaps I don't believe I deserve happiness....even in the smallest measure.

Perhaps the cries of my heart have gotten so buried in the fears that I can't even hear it anymore....there is only that deep empty ache.

A friend of mine recently told me of her increment. I think she absolutely deserved it, knowing her. After I put down the phone I realised.... what has happened to my plans? That sparkling future I once planned down to the last detail?

Sure, things don't always go as planned but by now I should be doing much better than I am. I can do it, I know I can. But for some reason, I'm just not motivated.

So I end up in a rut....in a dead end....in the same position I was in two years ago. It's as though I never stepped out onto that road I'd laid out before me....as though it winks at a distance, always there but always unattainable because I was afraid to take the jump.

I've had time to think, however short or long. And I've decided. Today I will hand my CV over to a place that can offer ME what I deserve. Today I will scour the Internet for other potential MA programmes. I will not be afraid of what they think. Someone out there might like what I do. Today I will leave behind the ghostly whispers of people I don't even like and not give a damn.

No more excuses. I must believe I deserve more....at the very least, to be happy. And who knows....maybe I might be....

It's 2010.....and it's been another one of those awfully depressing CNYs. Frankly, I don't see what the hype is about. Its all a hypocrite's show anyways.

Moving on.

Work.

What to say about work? It's pretty much a messed up convoluted mess that SHOULDN'T be so!! Frankly what is needed is proper management, some empathy and loads of dedication! Instead, there's a shitload of whining and complaining....there are people who scold and criticise too much and praise too little....there are others who think we're effing robots...there are people who goof off, can't finish their work then wail and whine and throw silent tantrums when they get chastised. But hey~! You keep your head down and soldier on. Isn't that what a good little worker bee is supposed to do? Not question but just DO. Every darned thing that needs doing in the hive.

Some days I really wish I had a good pair of soundproof headphones.

It's really funny how somethings that haven't crossed your mind for so many years just suddenly pop out of the blue and surprise you.

Random thoughts just pop in and out and you don't really pay attention until one comes up and smacks you on the head with its clarity. And then you realize, at the time, just how important it was that you did SOMETHING.

And you didn't.

Chalk it up to immaturity. Or maybe simple blur-ness. But maybe it was your own insecurities speaking. Either way, you let the chance pass and no matter how you try and lay the blame on others...you'd have to admit you didn't do anything.

Perhaps that is the problem. And has always been.

No sense in pointing fingers. Or even regrets. Simply move on; hold those sighs close to your heart for a moment and let them go.

Carpe diem~!

I am temporarily experiencing a monumental change in myself.

Ok I am TRYING to change myself.
Constant melancholia does absolutely nothing for a person and frankly, I really do wanna try.

So for a while, I will be blogging at http://www.psychopinkcupcake.blogspot.com which is everything I usually am NOT.

Trying to be happy and upbeat is pretty tiring but hey...I'm hanging in there. ;)

Maybe one day I will be able to do something that really makes ME proud to be me. Till then I'll focus on just being happy.

Moody thoughts will still appear here though...no one can become Pollyanna in just a week!
Wish me luck on trying to change myself for the better~!!

:)

Ok I'll be the first to admit that I suck at maintaining this blog.

Life has been nothing but endless monotony broken by....hmmm....did I say broken?
I've pretty much nothing to say about my day to day happenings...unless I blog about what I ate for lunch which is probably the only uncertain thing each day!

So....what do I have to ramble about anyways? It gets real depressing when all one sees on this blog is complaints or obscure references to this or that bitch. Kinda like a perpetual dark cloud. I keep waiting for it to rain but so far all I hear is the teeny faraway sound of thunder. Very faint but there.

Oh well...the last few weeks have been really draining....physically and mentally. Some parts of it, I prefer to shut out and pretend it didn't happen. Others, I am really glad they did.

I just wanna say a big "Thank you! I love you!!" to my girls! You both have been the absolute best!! I will miss you and all the kooky shit we do! :) I'm gonna miss the incessant bloop bloop of Skype! ROTFL~!!

Promise we'll stay in touch; go karaoke, bowling, Genting, shopping (ooh doesn't this light your fire Jenneh!), yumcha-ing and all.... *sniffles* Many hugz and kisses.... WE STILL HAVEN'T GONE FOR A PROPER OUTING LERRRRR~! KW WHEN'RE YOU FREE???

Thank you, Susan Boyle.... everytime I watch this, I will remind myself that even if I am 47 and the world laughs at me, if I believe and if I know I can....I will make it.

All I need to do is believe...and grab the chance.

I can't embed it here so I'll leave the link....please do click it!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY

Thank you SG.... :)