I haven't been able to blog recently. I start a blogpost...then I delete it.

Over....and over...and over....again...

Perky people make me sick. Happy people make me wanna throw up. And even though I'm laughing...deep inside I hate myself for being such a coward.

I had a good time at the party...I really did. But I don't know how to say that I didn't want it at all in the first place. But when they came all happy and all the plans were already made, all I could say was "Sure!" with a big smile on my face. Even though I really REALLY did not feel party-like I put on a big smile and I enjoyed myself. Of so I thought I did. Guess I didn't.

I am stuck in the land of GA....completely INFECTED by GA-itis....and frankly I know I should be studying but thoughts of GA constantly and persistently dog me. And I let it dog me. I keep thinking about McPerfect (a Burke with a splash of George with a Denny on the top) and it depresses me cos there's no such thing as a McPerfect. I hate myself for not being able to study. I hate myself for allowing my prejudices to affect my judgement which is now turning around to bite me really painfully in the ass.

And guess what....exams are coming! Around the corner in fact. Literally. Monday I have a paper which needs me to be super creative and frankly I'm too depressed to feel creative. My next paper's on a subject that I used to like until I got a sexist arse who managed to turn even the simplest thing into something offensive to me. Or rather I make everything that person does/says/types into something that offends me. And that affects my studying.

And the third paper...OOhhh The KILLER. Taken by a psychopathic lecturer who probably hates me and has a prejudice the size of TEXAS against me and who probably has memorized my handwriting and will fail me when she can cos I'm "arrogant" and need to be "taken down a notch". Ooh I can see why I am Little Miss Sunshine.

Not to mention my family going off to Taiwan and me being stuck here TRYING to study for a paper I KNOW I can't do badly in simply cos I really really REALLY HATE to fail anything.

I am so mired in self-pity and self-doubt that I am frankly even considering not doing Masters anymore. I don't think that the way I'm going I am gonna get outta this shithole anytime soon. If anyone has any ideas on how to slap me outta this rut I'm in, be my guest and start slapping!

I HATE MYSELF!